The Key to a Lasting Marriage

I caught the Armchair Psychology bug after talking with my son regarding his dad. I’m not on bad terms with my ex husband. Our divorce was very civil, and we had joint custody of our sole child. While we had disagreements over the years, sometimes nasty ones, we were a family. Although I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year, it isn’t out of animosity. He lives in another state, and we really haven’t had any pressing reason to speak to each other.
I’m not pining for my ex husband. I’m the one who ended the marriage. No matter how vile things were, he never would have. He doesn’t care enough about himself not to live in an intolerable situation. From a retrospective position, it’s likely that he has Asperger’s syndrome. Because I have conditions such as bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, I tend to be very emotionally volatile. We were an oil and water combination. Plus, there is a certain shameful admission on my part. I really never loved the guy. I married him because it seemed the logical thing to do.
I was not forced into marriage. I was not pregnant when we got married, in fact I thought that I couldn’t have kids. I reasoned that I tended to get too hung up on guys that I fell in love with, so it would be better to marry one that seemed sensible. He presented a calm exterior. It seemed likely that he would be monogamous. He was intelligent, so I reasoned that he would probably be able to get a decent job. If it sounds like I was choosing a business partner rather than a spouse, that was, to a degree, the logic I was using when I made the decision to marry him.
In researching the topic of how marriages deteriorate, I found plenty of videos and articles stating rote ideas such as “men aren’t made to be monogamous, they want to bang as many women as they can get their hands on.” Or, “the problem these days is that women are not subservient to their husbands.” Yuck. Both of these are terrible opinions involving unnecessary sexual stereotypes and outmoded gender roles.
SOME men want to bang as many women as they can get their hands on. If one is this kind of man, he should be honest with himself and any potential partners and not get married. Not all women are wired for monogamy either. Unless both partners would truly be okay with an open marriage, the folks who are still sowing their wild oats should not be putting a ring on it. Period.
Regarding the “women should be subservient” chestnut, 1300 called. It wants its ideals back.
Nobody should be subservient to anybody. Everybody should be respectful of those with whom they have any kind of relationship. In a working marriage, communication is the key. Both partners need to be flexible. No one person should be calling all the shots.
Marriage takes work, and perhaps too many of us still have the whole starry-eyed “happily ever after” idea trapped in our psyches, as if it happens magically. People need to make their own magic, both in choosing a partner and making it work with that partner.
I guess I’m glad I didn’t know this 30 years ago, because I did get my son out of that ill-advised relationship, and he is everything to me.
Personally, I gave up on the whole “finding my prince” thing a number of years ago. My psychological problems are too severe for being in a romantic relationship to be a positive thing for me. I tend to be drawn to chaotic men who are charming on the surface but when their true nature comes out, it is revealed to be abusive and controlling. Chasing a storybook romance is not worth ending up in the E.R. with bloody wrists.
My marriage to my ex husband did not end with bloody wrists. It ended fairly decisively. He had become emotionally abusive, and it wasn’t worth it to stay in the relationship any more. I was a mess psychologically, with a trifecta of undiagnosed conditions. There was no way it could possibly have worked. We both agreed that our son was better off if we divorced.
May I say that I hope all of you find your ideal partner. Make sure you bring your head into it rather than letting your lust do the talking, but don’t let the head be the sole decider. Marriage without desire and without that intangible quality of romantic love is a life-draining thing. Marry someone whom you truly like. This is the advice that I give my son. It isn’t as if I’m an expert on love by any means, but the marriages that I’ve seen which have lasted all have this quality. Both partners truly like each other.
Peace,
The Cheese

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Anti Rape Protester Stabbed

I hope for the best for this brave young man. His life is in danger from vile thugs who want to maintain the status quo wherein they have power without question.

Kolkata: Kamduni was firmly back on the political sparring field on Sunday after the overnight attack on Bhaskar Mondal, president of the anti-rape forum Kamduni Pratibadi Mancha, reportedly by Trinamool Congress goons. The CPM and Congress sharply criticized the attempt to “muffle” the Kamduni protests, earning a sharper retort by state food minister Jyotipriyo Mullick. But what would probably be worse for the Trinamool Congress-led regime, the incident seems to have reignited the Kamduni embers.

I have added this link several hours later. This is not politically motivated but offers proof that there are men out there who are desperate to keep women subjugated. It is a similar mentality to a majority race wanting to keep minority races subjugated. These individuals feel threatened by the idea of second class citizens gaining equality and autonomy, and it can become dangerous for those people who dare to speak out against them.

When Love and Hate Collide

Until doctors stop using weight as the be all and end all criteria for their health, they will continue to short-change their patients of all sizes. Diagnoses will be missed in larger patients because all their maladies will be blamed on their weight. Diagnoses will be missed in thin patients, because they will be decreed healthy for the fact that they are at a certain weight. This is doing no-one any favors.

Fierce, Freethinking Fatties

Weight LossFat HealthMy Boring-Ass LifeDiet Talk

Trigger warnings: Mental illness, weight loss

One of the hallmark traits (and probably the most frustrating one) of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is the constant back-and-forth switching of one’s opinions and decisions based on what is going on at that particular minute in one’s life. This is commonly referred to as “black and white thinking” and it is probably the most difficult symptom of BPD to deal with, both for the person with BPD and that person’s friends and family.

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Derision is Not Acceptable

someones grandmother2013.10W.21

My great grandmother looked a lot like this.

The older I get, the more I look like this.

You know, I get that this woman, my great grandmother, and I will never be seen as icons of beauty and sexual desirability, and I’m fine with that.

What I don’t understand is why it is deemed acceptable to shower derision upon people who are not deemed sexually desirable by the general public.

When did this become the norm?

When did this in any way become okay?

How can people see this as okay?

Being considered fuckable should not be a criteria for being deserving of common decency.

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Judgmental Jackwagon Proclaims Those Who Have Only One Child Selfish

dynamite

This judgmental jerkwad seriously managed to piss me off, and now I need to blow my stack. I’ll share with you the comment that I left for him on his so enlightened piece of tripe masquerading as an article.

You are seriously judging other people for deciding for themselves that one child is enough? I have two words for you: a$$ and hat.

Who in hell are you to decide that someone else is selfish for deciding to have only one child? Who died and made you God?

If I had more than one child, my resources would have been stretched way too thin. Neither of my kids would have been able to go to college. As it is, I’ve been able to help my son go to college. It’s a struggle, but he has a fighting chance of not having to work a menial job for the rest of his life, thanks to my being so horrible and selfish.

When I was younger, I listened to the judgmental a$$hattery of people like you, and thought that I was a terrible person because I ended up divorced when my son was four and never found a suitable partner. Oh, what an awful person I am for thinking about my own and my son’s welfare and not getting knocked up by some bad choice of a boyfriend or husband.

Gosh, I guess I’d best apologize to my son tomorrow for having been such a horrible mother and not giving him the soap opera life that he could have had. If only I had insisted on giving him another sibling. Just think how things could have turned out

Addiction Treatment: It Works, but You Can’t Get It

Whaaa?! An addiction treatment that works, but I can’t get it?

Well, I am assuming I can’t get it.

Have you heard of “Passages Malibu,” an addiction treatment center that works via a non-12 step program? Visit here for the Wiki about it; note carefully that the co-owner (who I assume is the dude in the television commercial who says he went through the treatment and was cured) has no background in counseling or anything like that. Just sayin’.

For a mere $88,500 you too can go to this resort treatment facility.

Did I mention that bit of scratch gets you a month’s stay? If the figures in the Wiki are to be believed any further, a stint of similar length at Betty Ford will set you back a mere $27,400.

But more importantly, check out the webpage. Here: let me give you the image from their header in case you don’t have time to pop over and visit:

So. Take a close look at this photo. What do you see, or more importantly, what don’t you see?

If you said it appears there is only one person of color in the photo, you saw what I thought I saw.

From right to left if you look at all the people as though they were in an almost straight line, the second guy who is seated at the table with a lady and another guy seems to be the only person whose primary ethnicity is not European.

Second, did you notice the name of the joint: Passages Malibu? Yeah. That’s where a whole lot of wealthy folks live. Take a moment to pop back over to the Wiki and check out how much that house/mansion/treatment center itself cost. Yeah.

So it would be my supposition that poor people can’t go here. Oh. Right. It costs over 88 grand.

“But insurances are accepted!”

Right, but not all of them.

I don’t see Kaiser as a sending plan. I also don’t see Medi-Cal.

So basically many ordinary folks would not benefit from this center.

Which leads me to ask the question, so what good is it then?

The wealthy have the ability to utilize so many options, including private/individualized treatment options (if you can kick 88 thousand clams for one month’s worth of tennis and swimming–oh, and exercise and acupuncture, if one attends to the television commercials about the facility). If this gentleman and his father have discovered the cure to addiction, why not provide it in communities where it would be more useful?

Just sayin’.

Indiegogo’s turn for a rape PR crisis

I honestly can’t say I would have thought about this. I’m glad you did. I hope everyone will read this and take it into consideration.

Disrupting Dinner Parties

This post is a collaboration between Jan and Barbie. Trigger warning for rape, rape culture, and lots of anger. 

Part of what I find fascinating about crowdfunding is that it makes it very transparent where there is a market for something. Sometimes those things make me want to go bleach my brain, e.g. the pickup artist manual, which Kickstarter later regretted to the tune of a $25,000 donation to RAINN.  I was on Indiegogo today and saw the campaign for AR Wear, an anti-rape underwear project that has been making news, and decided to check it out for myself.

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The Kurds: A Persecuted People Caught in the Middle

The Kurdish people are caught in the middle of the tensions of the other countries surrounding Kurdistan. Their realm is surrounded by Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Turkey.

As a minority group, the Kurds have suffered persecution. There have been several attempts at genocide, the most infamous being the chemical attacks of 1988 on the village of Halabja.

Chemical_weapons_Halabja_Iraq_March_1988

There is no excuse for these murdered little ones. If an action is taken which kills the innocent and helpless, there can be no glory in it. My heart cries for the children of Halabja. May they rest in peace.

~Spectra~

Lully, lullay, Thou little tiny Child,
By, by, lully, lullay.
Lullay, thou little tiny Child,
By, by, lully, lullay.

O sisters too, how may we do,
For to preserve this day
This poor youngling for whom we do sing
By, by, lully, lullay.

Herod, the king, in his raging,
Charged he hath this day
His men of might, in his own sight,
All children young to slay.

Then, woe is me, poor Child for Thee!
And ever mourn and sigh
For thy parting neither say nor sing,
By, by, lully, lullay.

Trash! Or: Why I Will Think About Using the USPS Again…

Okay, first a confession, and then a general rant. You have been warned…

Confession: I threw the receipt away.

it was an accident! I was trying to find my nightstand, which had (once again) hopefully become buried beneath a pile of papers that needed to go into the waste bin. I picked up the note that had the address I was sending the package to and the receipt and said to myself, “It’s the post office; they always do right by Priority Mail.” And away it went.

But then the unthinkable happened.

I reached out to the receiver of the item (a book I had been lent and was returning), only to find out she had not received the package on the scheduled day.

I sent it on Tuesday and it was to arrive on Thursday.

It was now Friday and no package.

And then it was Saturday, and then it was Monday, and then it was Tuesday….

Do you see where this is going?!?

I went online and every post I read made me more horrified. “The Post Office does not guarantee on-time delivery with Priority Mail.” “If you don’t have the receipt there is no way to track the package.”

I however was not to be daunted (immediately) by that. I went to my online banking and found the transaction; I pulled down the cryptic numbers thereon. I went to the branch of the PO from where I sent it and talked to a rather disappointing clerk., who gave me the 800 number to call. I went to my car and fought with the COMPLETELY AUTOMATED (as in, nothing you do gets you to a human and when finally you confuse the automated thing enough for it to send you to a human the new automation says they are having higher than average call volume and can’t help you, then directs you back to the original automation) system, to no avail. I then called my bank, where I spoke with the nicest lady (who also was unable to help, other than thanking me for being a loyal customer). I then went home and sent an email to the USPS “Contact Us” address.

And got a response from a real-live human! From my local post office! Who said without the receipt I could not track the package.

The message also said that the Post Office would continue to attempt delivery and if the package isn’t delivered in 15 days it would be returned to the return address (mine). It also suggested that I ask the intended receiver to check her PO to find out if the package is there, waiting. It also provided the infamous 800 number for her to call. I did all that and guess what?

The package showed up yesterday (Wednesday, an entire week after it was supposed to be delivered).

Mind you, in my original message I indicated that I sent my package Priority for delivery on last Thursday; there was no response to that information.

I could have sent the package for a couple cents almost for it to go bulk rate, which probably would have taken….you guessed it: a week.

I believe in the USPS, I really do. I am saddened that a national system as large as this one does not have up-to-date technology.

With all the press in recent years about the USPS and how there has been consideration to close post offices, change hours, and so on to save money, one might suggest better technology to improve services.

Yeah, it was my bad to throw the receipt away, but if my local grocer can track what I bought last month, why can’t the USPS give me a tracking number?

Just sayin.